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Why did humans evolve big penises but small testicles?

I n light of the "cock au vin" wsekhere is my guide to what not to do with your penis. Pictures of the engorged members of members of parliament will leak. Look at Peter Dowling, the Queensland politician who dunked his in a glass of wine.

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This is a terrible waste of wine. What's more it was red, so it must have looked as if there'd been some sort of accident. al

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I guess white wine may resemble wee. Either way, it's not a good look. As Anthony Weiner found, sexting is best left to teenagers, who at least know what Snapchat is.

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Clearly the female "gaze" has changed and some women like this sort of thing. Why say it with flowers when you can say it with a quick shot of your erection under the desk?

Romance is not dead.

I am talking hygiene. Women are subjected to pharmacy aisles full of fresheners, wipes and sprays that encourage us to believe that without them our genital area is just a smelly, slimy mess, but there is no equivalent for men.

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Surely there is a gap in the market for products to encourage men to stay boxfresh under their boxers.

And if they must encase themselves so prominently in Lycra and skinny jeans in this weather … something has to be Salies-de-Bearn black sluts.

As a woman I didn't realise so many everyday objects were penis traps waiting to lure their prey. Why on earth is this acceptable? It is smelly, horrible and antisocial.

If you really haven't been toilet-trained by the time you are 18, don't leave the house. Do not ever fool yourself that they really do.

Even if they are drunk. Or you are married to them.

It is not difficult to know the difference between someone who is consenting to penetration and someone who isn't. There is never any excuse.

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This may be just my view and, of course, mutually consenting adults may name each other's hoo-has whatever they like. Poor Justin Bieber's penis has been named "Jerry" by his fans.

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Message boards are full of young women and men with naming problems. Young men advise others on their "weapons of mass destruction". This may float your boat.

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In several countries attitudes to homosexuality are hardening and the focus is usually on gay men. In 38 African countries homosexuality is illegal. Robert Mugabe has described gay people as "worse than pigs". The situation in Russia is dire, with Vladimir Putin pushing forward anti-gay legislation and neo-Nazis beating and even killing gay people.

I have seen men do amazing things with their "love torpedoes" but they were sadhus in India who engage in acts of extreme self-mutilation to suppress desires; lifting rocks with their genitals or hanging heavy padlocks from them. They are dedicated to Lord Shiva.

Unfortunately, nearer home I took my children eays some friends' children to an alternative cabaret that involved similar stuff, not realising quite how alternative it was all going to be. Suffice to say these people are no longer my friends … All I am saying is: Penile implants can wreck lives.

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Girth can added by attaching tissue sheets of AlloDerm. The silly idea that men possess wicked willies and can't help acting on impulse is surely rather insulting?

If Freud is Free days all week big dick and all women suffer from penis envy then all I can say is if I had one I would Fres, cherish it and put it only where desired.

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